So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
