Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
too bad you live with your parents still
ugly people sure do ruin things
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
