Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
