well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
