Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My balls are so social today.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
