he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize