The maid of honor just puked.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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