They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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