I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He? As in you personified your dick?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
