I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
