come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
