bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
