maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
