Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
