3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
