you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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