I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
