Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
