I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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