I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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