I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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