you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
