So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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