I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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