You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Princesses don't give blow jobs
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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