I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
