if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
