There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
