we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize