plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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