I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
