you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
