I can text with my tongue
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
