Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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