I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize