...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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