Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
time to smoke my breakfast
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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