Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
