she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
