It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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