you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Someone shattered a urinal.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
