anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
