No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
