Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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