I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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