i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
