We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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