So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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