I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
