shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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