Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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