if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
