i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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